Fairy Stories

The Sneeze of a Dragon and the Kiss of the Witch: adult version18 September 2009


In the olden days the people knew the might of a king by the number of kingdoms he dispossessed of all their land, wealth and maidens. And though they thought him wrong, no one argued with a king who had lots of dragons, well not for long anyway…
But keeping kingdoms was a difficult business, especially when rebel sorcerers struck with their spells and all your dragons caught a cold. It can be very damaging to your castle when your dragons, suddenly without warning, exhale yards of flaming, sticky dragon-sneeze.
But King Llewellyn had been caught like that before and after the loss of several towers he kept his dragons in another valley where they lived in holes in the cliffs between his castle and the sea.
This action prevented further loss to his property but caused him to worry: when the rebels attacked his castle, how quickly could he get word to the dragon-master to bring the fiery beasts to his aid?
The knights of King Llewellyn’s castle were fierce young men, well paid to defend his realm. They amused themselves by performing acts of self-abuse, often wanking from the towers and battlements, ejaculating to attract the attention of passing witches. Like the rebels, the King’s knights believed that if a brave man is kissed by a witch, he will never be afraid because he knows wherever he is and whatever befalls him she will find him and take him away to be with her forever, living from one exhilarating kiss to the next, always falling, falling in love. For the witch is a most faithful women to the bravest and the truest. But the leaders of the rebels had arranged for prostitutes to pretend to be witches and kiss their warriors who now believed themselves charmed.
And the Queen, like many wives of violent men, lied to the King, introducing her own lover as the finest warrior in the castle who had been kissed by a witch. So King Llewellyn believed that when his enemies laid siege to his castle, the wild, fierce, unstoppable mortal force of his bravest knight would fight his way across the valley, howling for his witch and leaving behind a path of blood, bone and broken steel. And he would succeed in summoning the dragon-master who would set loose the King’s dragons that would burn all his enemies to a fine black ash.
But when the rebels attacked, the Queen’s knight failed the King, falling easily in battle, his heart full of lies. And when the King’s dragons finally arrived at the height of the battle, the rebels, believing themselves to be under the protection of witches, threw themselves into the dragons’ mouths. Their sneezes thus constrained, the dragons blew off all their own heads.
And King Llewellyn’s castle fell and he was thrown from his battlements to die in the field of flaming dragon flesh. So this is the story of Camelot and this is the story of Troy. And history is written by the victors.

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